822s 4 Movie Side Characters Screwed by the Hero - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder images and subtitles

(beatboxing music)- Hello, internet, my name is Daniel.It's officially pronounced D.O.B. O'Brienand welcome to another wet episodeof Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder,the only show on the internet that triesto incorporate a new word that I learn in every episode.Today's truculent episode explores--Movies have protagonists, there's no way around that.We have a person or persons we care aboutand we want them to learn a lesson and succeed.Everyone who gets in their way on that path of clarityis generally a villain at the worst,and forgettably disposable at the least.Movies try to make things as black and white as possiblewith clear heroes and clear villains,so we don't feel bad for the people who loseto ensure that the protagonist wins.But, every once in a while, they miss the mark.There are some unexplored casualties of popular moviesand I'm gonna talk about them because this is my show,and that's what I've decided to do with it.(beatboxing)Captain America: Winter Solideris the best Captain America movie so far.We see what life has been like for Captain Americain the modern world, easily weaving PTSD inwith a fun and tight espionage movie,plus the undeniable sexual tension between Cap and Bucky.- I'm with you 'till the end of the line, pal.- Cap spends the movie trying to reach and save Bucky,who's not only his friend,but his last connection to the past life that he knew.Bucky's been brainwashed and Cap tries everything he canto make Bucky snap out of his programming.When punching doesn't work, Cap breaks into a museumand steals the original Captain America uniformthat had been on display in a glass case,hoping that the old uniform will jog Bucky's memory.This leads to a cameo from Stan Lee, my friend,who, as the overnight security guard at the museum,is the one to stumble upon the missing uniform.He says, "I am so fired,"and the audience laughs because, "Hey, it's Stan Lee,"and, "Hey, he's fired."But, like, yeah, he's definitely fired.They never specifically age the characterof museum nighttime guard, but he's in his 90's.That's a 90-something man who still has to work,doing his (bleeps) best and the next day,his 27-year-old boss is gonna pull him into an officeand be like, "World-famous enemy of the state"broke into a museum, stole an iconic, decades-old piece"of history and you didn't notice anything"until it was too late?"Doesn't look good, Stan."The costume is one of the reasons people travel"to this museum and pay the entrance fee, Stan."What are we supposed to do, Stan?"There is someone on staff at that museumwho has been looking for a reasonto fire the incredibly old security guardand this is all the ammo they needed.You think they're gonna just go easy on him,just because it turns out Cap only stole the costumeto remind a time-traveling assassinthat they used to be buddies?That changes nothing, Stan blew it at workand he should get fired.There was a 90-something-year-old man,picking up some extra money by working the graveyard shiftand now he's out on the street.That's on you, Captain America.(beatboxing)In Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams has to dress upas a sweet Scottish lady and pose as a nannyin a misguided attempt to be closer to his children.- And these must be the cherubs.- He does a bunch of voices.- Don't fuss with me.- There are some shenanigans.♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪There's obviously a scene where he hasto balance dinner with his familyas his widdled alter ego, Mrs. Doubtfire,and a dinner with his boss as himself at the same time,in the same restaurant.It is, in general, one of the most 90's movies ever made.In between shenanigans and montages set to Aerosmith songs,we meet a sweet, old bus driver,played by the late Sydney Walker.- Evening, ma'am.- Williams as Doubtfire has to take a late bus homefrom work most nights, and his bus driver is usuallythe only other person on the bus.When he sees her, he smiles and sweetly flirts with her.It's cute. - Cold night, isn't it?- Yes, it is.- Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.- And the audience watching along is supposed to laughbecause, "Ha, the bus driver doesn't realize"he's flirting with a guy."In the 90's, sometimes a guy accidentally liking another guywas all it took for something to be considered a joke.And like, I'm sorry, we're sorry.Anyway, I don't know what went wrong in my brain,but I think about that bus driver all the time.To begin with, he's a lonely old manwho works the late shift for a busthat is almost always empty.He's obviously single, which means his wife either diedor left him, or he still hasn't managed to find someone yet.Then, he meets a woman who seems sweet and seems his age,and isn't rebuffing his advances,so he probably suspects she's single.Available women his age are probably hard to come byand now he's found a pretty onethat actually seems to like him.He must feel pretty lucky.He also seems like just the sweetest man.When he sees Mrs. Doubtfire's bare legs coveredin the thick and wild furthat is Robin Williams' natural pelt,he doesn't bawk or abandon his flirtationlike some other, more shallow men might.He accepts Mrs. Doubtfire, wooly legs and all,as, "Natural, healthy, just the way God made ya."- I like that Mediterranean look in women.Natural,healthy,just the way God made ya.- Well, he broke the mold when he made me, dear.- I think about this man and the way he looksand smiles at Mrs. Doubtfire, and I can't help but thinkthat seeing this woman and briefly getting the opportunityto flirt with her is the highlight of his day.I relate to this guy, I've been this guy.It's been a long day of hard, lonely work,but for five minutes, I made a girl laughor made her smile.Five minutes, I was charming,so no matter what else happened that day,that's a day that goes down in the record booksas one of the good days.Sometimes, seeing the courage you musterto flirt with a stranger, rewarded with the smileof a pretty girl, is enough to carry youthrough (bleeps) anything.Mrs. Doubtfire gets her own TV show by the end of the movie.That means the bus driver is gonna see it,check the credits, find out that it's Robin Williamsin a wig and just crash.I'm not saying this is a crying game situationwhere he'll freak out because he's horrifiedat being attracted to a man.I'm saying he'll be crushed when he finds outthat this harmless, nightly flirting ritualwith the attractive strangerwas just a bunch of bull(bleeps)It was probably hard enough on the bus driverwhen Mrs. Doubtfire suddenly stopped showing upon his bus route, now he has to find outthat she doesn't even exist?Maybe he's got a brother or sister,or some nieces, nephews, grandnieces, grandnephews,and they're like, "Uncle unnamed-bus-driver,"what happened to that woman on the bus you"were telling us about?"Did you ever ask her out?"And he just has to stare off and not answer'cause the real answer is too depressing,because the real answer is,"She was never real, she was a costumed straight man"in a costume, doing a character and I'll never understand"why he kept the character going"when it was just the two of us on a bus."The best part of my nights, the thing I wrote home about,"was based on a lie."It was hasty of me to tell you about her."And that's way too sad and embarrassing.I like to think that things worked out for the bus driver,but, like,how? (beatboxing)In The Mighty Ducks, Coach Bombay, a ruthless lawyer,gets arrested for drunk drivingand instead of serving the up-to-90 days in prisonthat is standard in Minnesota,he's sentenced to community servicein the form of coaching a peewee hockey team.- District 5 Peewee Hockey Team,I'm Gordon Bombay, I'm the new coach.(children laugh)- Bombay's team was a pack of wacky,smart aleck misfits with hearts of goldand after some initial growing pains,the kids grow to love and respect Coach Bombayand he, in turn, learns a valuable lessonabout how the criminal justice systemis disproportionately lenient on white offenders.Oh, I'm sorry, he learns to believe in himselfand be nicer to people.The scrappy Ducks spend the movie feudingwith a snooty, well-deduced, suburbanite Hawks.Coach Bombay realizes that due to redistricting laws,the fancy Hawks' star player, Adam Banks,should actually be playing on the Ducks,'cause you know how redistricting historically benefitsdisenfranchised poor people?Anyway, star-player Adam Banks joins the Ducksand they end up defeating the Hawks,and really becoming a family.A Brief But Necessary Asideabout child-aimed sports movies,I've been critical of a few Mighty Ducks plot pointsthat seem tone-deaf now, when viewed through a modern lens,but let me be clear.I love this freakin' movieand if you were a kid in the early 2000's,or if you're a kid right now, as always,don't watch this show because of the languageand the rightfully-assumed inebriation.You really got or are currently getting screwedor (bleeps) because no oneis making good sports movies for you.The 90's was the Golden Age of young kids' sports moviesand nobody talks about them.Three Mighty Ducks, Little Giants,Little Big League, Rookie of the Year,Angels in the Outfield, Space Jam,The mother (bleeps) Sandlot, are you kidding me?If we age on up, a little bit for adult-oriented movies,the 90's gave us Rudy and White Men Can't Jump,both perfect movies.We were spoiled for choice,we had amazing, iconic, coming-of-age,underdog sports movies for every single sport.Did Hollywood just decide afterthe perfect movie-sports decade that was the 90's,that it was time to just close up shop?The second Mighty Ducks movie had an ice skating cowboy.My childhood was perfect, why aren't we tryingto replicate that for future children?End of Brief But Necessary Aside.Anyway, who got screwed in this movie?Oh, all the Hawks.They not might've had the unique, individual quirksof each and every Duck,but they were an objectively superior hockey team,probably because of their discipline and work ethic.The coach of the Hawks and Coach Bombaywere engaged in some kind of decades-long pissing match,but the Hawk players weren't engaged in that.They were hard-working children who really liked hockeyand practiced it all the time.- Whatever, I just wanna play hockey.- They built their team around their leader,and then in the middle of the season,some drunk-driving lawyer was like,"I'm gonna take your star player"by exploiting a districting loophole."That won't disrupt anything, right?"It hurts any team to lose anyone in the middle of a season,let alone a star player.They were pacing to winand then this blood-money-funded squad of misfits,out of nowhere, out of (bleeps) nowhere,shows up and snatches their best guy.The Golden State Warriors got KD from Oklahomain the off-season, they didn't take LeBronfrom the Cavs before the finalsbecause one of Bron's houses happenedto be located in an Oakland district.Those kids did nothing wrongand they had to watch their former captainown the (bleeps) out of them because it wasthe only way the soulless lawyer-coachof the Ducks could actually win.You know, this movie starts with Bombay's lawyer-buddies,criticizing him for being too ruthlessin the courtroom.- Next time, a little restraint might be in order.- And by the end of the movie,he's recruiting child players from opposing teamsin the pursuit of winning.Starting to think Coach Bombay didn't learn anything at all.(beatboxing)Stuart Little is an adorable movie about a familythat decides to break social normsand adopt a talking mouse as their new child.At first, their human son, George, is like,"That mouse isn't my brother."And their cat-like cat, Snowbell,is like, "I wanna (bleeps) up that mouse."But, by the end of the movie,George comes to accept Stuart as his brotherand the catdies?No, that can't be right.Cat wouldn't die, a cat doesn't die, save the cat.The cat doesn't die.The cat decides the also go againstbiologically-necessary norms and accepts the mouseas an equal in the food chain.It's a great film about love and acceptance and family.One small problem, the Little family didn't sign outto adopt a mouse, they wanted a new child,George wanted a little brother,so they went to an orphanage where a bunch of orphans are.And they were so charmed by the talking mousethat they just had to have it.Even the woman who ran the orphanage was like,"We normally discourage people from adopting outside"of their own species."- We try to discourage couplesfrom adopting children outside their ownspecies. - Which is the diplomatic wayof saying, "Yo, rethink this, it's a mouse."The average lifespan of a mouse is two years."The oldest mouse in history is, like, four years old."And also, they (bleeps) all the time"and they don't technically have any rights,"and finally, if you're really gonna do this,"if you're so horned up to get a mouse today,"please don't do it in front"of actual, human, orphan children."These kids live everyday, hoping they get adopted."How are they gonna feel when you show up"and you're like, 'That mouse with shoes is pretty cool,"'I'll take his ass.'"That's insane, you're torturing all of these kids"for no reason."You're making the orphans watch you adopt a mouse?"That's not even a situation, you dopey (bleeps)"I was so curious about this movie's messagethat I tracked down a websitethat specifically covers movies that feature adoptionto determine if it's a fair portrayalor if it sends a bad message,or could potentially be triggering.The website is called Adoption at the Moviesand they work as a resource to help familieswith adopted children connect their experienceswith wholesome films.How dope is that?Anyway, on Stuart Little, they said, quote,"There's a lot of concerning stuff here."His brother rejects him."The family pet tries to get him killed by mobsters."Stuart is kidnapped by people posing as his birthparents."We learn that Stuart's actual birthparents"were killed when they were crushed by cans"in a grocery accident."Stuart's adoption agency places him"without even visiting the home,"and this puts Stuart in danger."Although this could be a lighthearted film"for some viewers, it's probably a safe one"to skip for most adoptive families."End the (bleeps) quote, and that doesn't even touchon the orphans who had to watch and be like,"Are you sure that anthropomorphic mouse"with an adult man's voice would"be a better young child than me, a young child?"Are you sure you wanna reject me"in this dramatic of a fashion?"I guess it's nice that the Little family is happy,but damn, I do not care.They gave a massive bed and a bedroom to a mouse.Well, that's it for this month.Tune in next month when we'll cover,why hasn't the cool sponsor gotten behind this show,that does consistently good traffic and costs zero dollarsto produce because we film in our office,and our in-house editor, Nick Rude,edits every episode ever since our former editor,Noel Wells, stopped doing it?And wait, what's that?Saturday Night Live alum and writer-director starof major-motion-picture, Mr. Roosevelt, Noel Wells,used to edit this show?Yes, that's right, she edited the first few episodesand anyway, isn't it weird that I can't get Chili'sto send us a few grand to sponsor this show?Like, that's (bleeps) insane,I love Chili's and this show costs no money,and its alumni have gone onto SNL,and I talk about Chili's all the time.Just give us, like, 100 grand and I'll talk about youfor a year on a popular internet show.I'll eat your (bleeps) southwestern egg rollsat the start and close of every episode.The economics of internet writing is insane right nowand 100 grand is nothing to you.Please, Chili's.Whoa, does not feel like there's enough material therefor a full episode, but yeah,definitely, Chili's, get at me.Give us 100 grand, you'll help keep the site going.Bye.

4 Movie Side Characters Screwed by the Hero - Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

As always, Daniel O’Brien is here to make you stop and think about the characters so many movies have pushed to the side and forced to the background. We’re back with another episode of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder. CHECK US OUT on AMAZON: www.amazon.com/v/cracked Want some more SOME NEWS, starring Cody Johnston? Then CLICK HERE: goo.gl/RCEuwa SUBSCRIBE HERE: goo.gl/ITTCPW For additional perks, subscribe at: secure.cracked.com/subscribe/ CLICK HERE for more HONEST ADS spoofs - goo.gl/xHchf2 CLICK HERE for GALACTIC WAR ROOM - goo.gl/kStvEN CLICK HERE for WE'RE NOT ALONE - goo.gl/cC9L5o CLICK HERE for ROM.COM: The Series - goo.gl/5mabAx CLICK HERE for AFTER HOURS: goo.gl/Nrg6Jh CLICK HERE for CRACKED ANIMATIONS: goo.gl/bSD2Sf CLICK HERE for TODAY'S TOPICS: goo.gl/1jxB44 CLICK HERE for ESCORT MISSION: goo.gl/19YnL7 CLICK HERE to Subscribe to THE CRACKED PODCAST: goo.gl/qmdLnT On iTunes: goo.gl/MYjkoi See more www.cracked.com LIKE us on: www.facebook.com/cracked FOLLOW us on: www.twitter.com/cracked FOLLOW us on: cracked.tumblr.com
stan lee, michael j fox, stuart little facts, DOB, Dan O’brien, captain america, robin williams, cracked dan, stuart little family, mrs doubtfire transgender, spit take, Pop Culture theories, Obsessive pop culture discussions, green screen cracked, Dan Obrien, mrs. doubtfire, mighty ducks, Obsessive pop culture discussion, OPCD, stuart little, kdis movies, sports movies, mrs doubtfire review, pop culture observations, hawks, winter soldier, Pop Culture, snowbell,
< ?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8" ?><>

< start="3" dur="2.917">(beatboxing music)>

< start="8.592" dur="1.368">- Hello, internet, my name is Daniel.>

< start="9.96" dur="1.983">It's officially pronounced D.O.B. O'Brien>

< start="11.943" dur="2.827">and welcome to another wet episode>

< start="14.77" dur="1.211">of Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder,>

< start="15.981" dur="1.24">the only show on the internet that tries>

< start="17.221" dur="2.591">to incorporate a new word that I learn in every episode.>

< start="19.812" dur="3">Today's truculent episode explores-->

< start="24.354" dur="2.299">Movies have protagonists, there's no way around that.>

< start="26.653" dur="1.787">We have a person or persons we care about>

< start="28.44" dur="1.834">and we want them to learn a lesson and succeed.>

< start="30.274" dur="2.069">Everyone who gets in their way on that path of clarity>

< start="32.343" dur="1.95">is generally a villain at the worst,>

< start="34.293" dur="2.283">and forgettably disposable at the least.>

< start="36.576" dur="1.826">Movies try to make things as black and white as possible>

< start="38.402" dur="1.691">with clear heroes and clear villains,>

< start="40.093" dur="1.932">so we don't feel bad for the people who lose>

< start="42.025" dur="1.49">to ensure that the protagonist wins.>

< start="43.515" dur="2.618">But, every once in a while, they miss the mark.>

< start="46.133" dur="2.8">There are some unexplored casualties of popular movies>

< start="48.933" dur="2.469">and I'm gonna talk about them because this is my show,>

< start="51.402" dur="2.851">and that's what I've decided to do with it.>

< start="54.253" dur="2.797">(beatboxing)>

< start="57.05" dur="1.041">Captain America: Winter Solider>

< start="58.091" dur="1.977">is the best Captain America movie so far.>

< start="60.068" dur="1.492">We see what life has been like for Captain America>

< start="61.56" dur="2.541">in the modern world, easily weaving PTSD in>

< start="64.101" dur="1.636">with a fun and tight espionage movie,>

< start="65.737" dur="3.009">plus the undeniable sexual tension between Cap and Bucky.>

< start="68.746" dur="2.305">- I'm with you 'till the end of the line, pal.>

< start="71.051" dur="2.094">- Cap spends the movie trying to reach and save Bucky,>

< start="73.145" dur="1.091">who's not only his friend,>

< start="74.236" dur="2.154">but his last connection to the past life that he knew.>

< start="76.39" dur="2.586">Bucky's been brainwashed and Cap tries everything he can>

< start="78.976" dur="3.5">to make Bucky snap out of his programming.>

< start="84.38" dur="4.167">When punching doesn't work, Cap breaks into a museum>

< start="88.558" dur="1.64">and steals the original Captain America uniform>

< start="90.198" dur="1.671">that had been on display in a glass case,>

< start="91.869" dur="2.408">hoping that the old uniform will jog Bucky's memory.>

< start="94.277" dur="2.326">This leads to a cameo from Stan Lee, my friend,>

< start="96.603" dur="2.309">who, as the overnight security guard at the museum,>

< start="98.912" dur="2.208">is the one to stumble upon the missing uniform.>

< start="101.12" dur="1.571">He says, "I am so fired,">

< start="102.691" dur="2.189">and the audience laughs because, "Hey, it's Stan Lee,">

< start="104.88" dur="1.372">and, "Hey, he's fired.">

< start="106.252" dur="2.639">But, like, yeah, he's definitely fired.>

< start="108.891" dur="1.315">They never specifically age the character>

< start="110.206" dur="3.194">of museum nighttime guard, but he's in his 90's.>

< start="113.4" dur="2.414">That's a 90-something man who still has to work,>

< start="115.814" dur="2.223">doing his (bleeps) best and the next day,>

< start="118.037" dur="2.094">his 27-year-old boss is gonna pull him into an office>

< start="120.131" dur="1.73">and be like, "World-famous enemy of the state>

< start="121.861" dur="2.84">"broke into a museum, stole an iconic, decades-old piece>

< start="124.701" dur="1.64">"of history and you didn't notice anything>

< start="126.341" dur="2.61">"until it was too late?>

< start="128.951" dur="1.637">"Doesn't look good, Stan.>

< start="130.588" dur="1.4">"The costume is one of the reasons people travel>

< start="131.988" dur="2.881">"to this museum and pay the entrance fee, Stan.>

< start="134.869" dur="2.045">"What are we supposed to do, Stan?">

< start="136.914" dur="1.677">There is someone on staff at that museum>

< start="138.591" dur="1.02">who has been looking for a reason>

< start="139.611" dur="1.629">to fire the incredibly old security guard>

< start="141.24" dur="1.771">and this is all the ammo they needed.>

< start="143.011" dur="1.509">You think they're gonna just go easy on him,>

< start="144.52" dur="2.061">just because it turns out Cap only stole the costume>

< start="146.581" dur="1.573">to remind a time-traveling assassin>

< start="148.154" dur="1.897">that they used to be buddies?>

< start="150.051" dur="2.042">That changes nothing, Stan blew it at work>

< start="152.093" dur="1.038">and he should get fired.>

< start="153.131" dur="1.869">There was a 90-something-year-old man,>

< start="155" dur="2.549">picking up some extra money by working the graveyard shift>

< start="157.549" dur="1.712">and now he's out on the street.>

< start="159.261" dur="1.097">That's on you, Captain America.>

< start="160.358" dur="1.943">(beatboxing)>

< start="162.301" dur="1.87">In Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams has to dress up>

< start="164.171" dur="2.106">as a sweet Scottish lady and pose as a nanny>

< start="166.277" dur="1.872">in a misguided attempt to be closer to his children.>

< start="168.149" dur="2.32">- And these must be the cherubs.>

< start="170.469" dur="1.159">- He does a bunch of voices.>

< start="171.628" dur="2.046">- Don't fuss with me.>

< start="173.674" dur="1.233">- There are some shenanigans.>

< start="174.907" dur="3.595">♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪>

< start="178.502" dur="1.137">There's obviously a scene where he has>

< start="179.639" dur="1.113">to balance dinner with his family>

< start="180.752" dur="1.987">as his widdled alter ego, Mrs. Doubtfire,>

< start="182.739" dur="2.427">and a dinner with his boss as himself at the same time,>

< start="185.166" dur="2.543">in the same restaurant.>

< start="187.709" dur="3.009">It is, in general, one of the most 90's movies ever made.>

< start="190.718" dur="2.671">In between shenanigans and montages set to Aerosmith songs,>

< start="193.389" dur="1.41">we meet a sweet, old bus driver,>

< start="194.799" dur="2.75">played by the late Sydney Walker.>

< start="199.93" dur="1.417">- Evening, ma'am.>

< start="204.949" dur="1.86">- Williams as Doubtfire has to take a late bus home>

< start="206.809" dur="2.351">from work most nights, and his bus driver is usually>

< start="209.16" dur="1.651">the only other person on the bus.>

< start="210.811" dur="3.04">When he sees her, he smiles and sweetly flirts with her.>

< start="213.851" dur="3.098">It's cute. - Cold night, isn't it?>

< start="216.949" dur="1.083">- Yes, it is.>

< start="219.44" dur="3.131">- Hope you have something nice and warm to go home to.>

< start="222.571" dur="1.749">- And the audience watching along is supposed to laugh>

< start="224.32" dur="2.101">because, "Ha, the bus driver doesn't realize>

< start="226.421" dur="2.087">"he's flirting with a guy.">

< start="228.508" dur="2.311">In the 90's, sometimes a guy accidentally liking another guy>

< start="230.819" dur="2.352">was all it took for something to be considered a joke.>

< start="233.171" dur="2.776">And like, I'm sorry, we're sorry.>

< start="235.947" dur="1.935">Anyway, I don't know what went wrong in my brain,>

< start="237.882" dur="1.748">but I think about that bus driver all the time.>

< start="239.63" dur="2.166">To begin with, he's a lonely old man>

< start="241.796" dur="1.391">who works the late shift for a bus>

< start="243.187" dur="1.512">that is almost always empty.>

< start="244.699" dur="2.36">He's obviously single, which means his wife either died>

< start="247.059" dur="2.898">or left him, or he still hasn't managed to find someone yet.>

< start="249.957" dur="3.072">Then, he meets a woman who seems sweet and seems his age,>

< start="253.029" dur="1.735">and isn't rebuffing his advances,>

< start="254.764" dur="1.895">so he probably suspects she's single.>

< start="256.659" dur="2.29">Available women his age are probably hard to come by>

< start="258.949" dur="1.099">and now he's found a pretty one>

< start="260.048" dur="1.451">that actually seems to like him.>

< start="261.499" dur="1.928">He must feel pretty lucky.>

< start="263.427" dur="1.824">He also seems like just the sweetest man.>

< start="265.251" dur="1.934">When he sees Mrs. Doubtfire's bare legs covered>

< start="267.185" dur="1.619">in the thick and wild fur>

< start="268.804" dur="1.876">that is Robin Williams' natural pelt,>

< start="270.68" dur="2.001">he doesn't bawk or abandon his flirtation>

< start="272.681" dur="1.803">like some other, more shallow men might.>

< start="274.484" dur="2.494">He accepts Mrs. Doubtfire, wooly legs and all,>

< start="276.978" dur="3.309">as, "Natural, healthy, just the way God made ya.">

< start="280.287" dur="4.011">- I like that Mediterranean look in women.>

< start="284.298" dur="1.303">Natural,>

< start="285.601" dur="0.833">healthy,>

< start="288.192" dur="2.855">just the way God made ya.>

< start="291.047" dur="2.324">- Well, he broke the mold when he made me, dear.>

< start="293.371" dur="1.676">- I think about this man and the way he looks>

< start="295.047" dur="2.509">and smiles at Mrs. Doubtfire, and I can't help but think>

< start="297.556" dur="2.472">that seeing this woman and briefly getting the opportunity>

< start="300.028" dur="1.888">to flirt with her is the highlight of his day.>

< start="301.916" dur="1.411">I relate to this guy, I've been this guy.>

< start="303.327" dur="2.181">It's been a long day of hard, lonely work,>

< start="305.508" dur="1.68">but for five minutes, I made a girl laugh>

< start="307.188" dur="0.993">or made her smile.>

< start="308.181" dur="1.855">Five minutes, I was charming,>

< start="310.036" dur="1.312">so no matter what else happened that day,>

< start="311.348" dur="1.539">that's a day that goes down in the record books>

< start="312.887" dur="1.381">as one of the good days.>

< start="314.268" dur="1.299">Sometimes, seeing the courage you muster>

< start="315.567" dur="1.901">to flirt with a stranger, rewarded with the smile>

< start="317.468" dur="1.663">of a pretty girl, is enough to carry you>

< start="319.131" dur="1.436">through (bleeps) anything.>

< start="320.567" dur="2.467">Mrs. Doubtfire gets her own TV show by the end of the movie.>

< start="323.034" dur="1.864">That means the bus driver is gonna see it,>

< start="324.898" dur="2.067">check the credits, find out that it's Robin Williams>

< start="326.965" dur="2.031">in a wig and just crash.>

< start="328.996" dur="1.872">I'm not saying this is a crying game situation>

< start="330.868" dur="1.71">where he'll freak out because he's horrified>

< start="332.578" dur="1.68">at being attracted to a man.>

< start="334.258" dur="1.909">I'm saying he'll be crushed when he finds out>

< start="336.167" dur="2.181">that this harmless, nightly flirting ritual>

< start="338.348" dur="1.109">with the attractive stranger>

< start="339.457" dur="1.43">was just a bunch of bull(bleeps)>

< start="340.887" dur="1.36">It was probably hard enough on the bus driver>

< start="342.247" dur="1.878">when Mrs. Doubtfire suddenly stopped showing up>

< start="344.125" dur="1.493">on his bus route, now he has to find out>

< start="345.618" dur="1.65">that she doesn't even exist?>

< start="347.268" dur="1.636">Maybe he's got a brother or sister,>

< start="348.904" dur="2.532">or some nieces, nephews, grandnieces, grandnephews,>

< start="351.436" dur="2.098">and they're like, "Uncle unnamed-bus-driver,>

< start="353.534" dur="1.181">"what happened to that woman on the bus you>

< start="354.715" dur="1.112">"were telling us about?>

< start="355.827" dur="1.569">"Did you ever ask her out?">

< start="357.396" dur="2.244">And he just has to stare off and not answer>

< start="359.64" dur="1.828">'cause the real answer is too depressing,>

< start="361.468" dur="1.419">because the real answer is,>

< start="362.887" dur="2.387">"She was never real, she was a costumed straight man>

< start="365.274" dur="2.386">"in a costume, doing a character and I'll never understand>

< start="367.66" dur="1.358">"why he kept the character going>

< start="369.018" dur="1.81">"when it was just the two of us on a bus.>

< start="370.828" dur="2.719">"The best part of my nights, the thing I wrote home about,>

< start="373.547" dur="1.589">"was based on a lie.>

< start="375.136" dur="2.882">"It was hasty of me to tell you about her.">

< start="378.018" dur="2.57">And that's way too sad and embarrassing.>

< start="380.588" dur="2.076">I like to think that things worked out for the bus driver,>

< start="382.664" dur="1.483">but, like,>

< start="384.147" dur="2.39">how? (beatboxing)>

< start="386.537" dur="2.809">In The Mighty Ducks, Coach Bombay, a ruthless lawyer,>

< start="389.346" dur="1.65">gets arrested for drunk driving>

< start="390.996" dur="1.737">and instead of serving the up-to-90 days in prison>

< start="392.733" dur="1.075">that is standard in Minnesota,>

< start="393.808" dur="1.193">he's sentenced to community service>

< start="395.001" dur="1.865">in the form of coaching a peewee hockey team.>

< start="396.866" dur="2.269">- District 5 Peewee Hockey Team,>

< start="399.135" dur="1.961">I'm Gordon Bombay, I'm the new coach.>

< start="401.096" dur="1.076">(children laugh)>

< start="402.172" dur="1.296">- Bombay's team was a pack of wacky,>

< start="403.468" dur="1.998">smart aleck misfits with hearts of gold>

< start="405.466" dur="2.12">and after some initial growing pains,>

< start="407.586" dur="2.138">the kids grow to love and respect Coach Bombay>

< start="409.724" dur="1.68">and he, in turn, learns a valuable lesson>

< start="411.404" dur="1.592">about how the criminal justice system>

< start="412.996" dur="3.35">is disproportionately lenient on white offenders.>

< start="416.346" dur="2.051">Oh, I'm sorry, he learns to believe in himself>

< start="418.397" dur="2.247">and be nicer to people.>

< start="420.644" dur="1.631">The scrappy Ducks spend the movie feuding>

< start="422.275" dur="2.575">with a snooty, well-deduced, suburbanite Hawks.>

< start="424.85" dur="2.47">Coach Bombay realizes that due to redistricting laws,>

< start="427.32" dur="1.949">the fancy Hawks' star player, Adam Banks,>

< start="429.269" dur="1.4">should actually be playing on the Ducks,>

< start="430.669" dur="1.96">'cause you know how redistricting historically benefits>

< start="432.629" dur="1.23">disenfranchised poor people?>

< start="433.859" dur="2.12">Anyway, star-player Adam Banks joins the Ducks>

< start="435.979" dur="1.32">and they end up defeating the Hawks,>

< start="437.299" dur="2.941">and really becoming a family.>

< start="440.24" dur="1.117">A Brief But Necessary Aside>

< start="441.357" dur="1.635">about child-aimed sports movies,>

< start="442.992" dur="2.587">I've been critical of a few Mighty Ducks plot points>

< start="445.579" dur="2.24">that seem tone-deaf now, when viewed through a modern lens,>

< start="447.819" dur="1.12">but let me be clear.>

< start="448.939" dur="1.184">I love this freakin' movie>

< start="450.123" dur="1.666">and if you were a kid in the early 2000's,>

< start="451.789" dur="1.699">or if you're a kid right now, as always,>

< start="453.488" dur="2.051">don't watch this show because of the language>

< start="455.539" dur="1.796">and the rightfully-assumed inebriation.>

< start="457.335" dur="2.142">You really got or are currently getting screwed>

< start="459.477" dur="1.655">or (bleeps) because no one>

< start="461.132" dur="1.792">is making good sports movies for you.>

< start="462.924" dur="2.895">The 90's was the Golden Age of young kids' sports movies>

< start="465.819" dur="1.411">and nobody talks about them.>

< start="467.23" dur="1.638">Three Mighty Ducks, Little Giants,>

< start="468.868" dur="1.549">Little Big League, Rookie of the Year,>

< start="470.417" dur="1.551">Angels in the Outfield, Space Jam,>

< start="471.968" dur="2.298">The mother (bleeps) Sandlot, are you kidding me?>

< start="474.266" dur="2.458">If we age on up, a little bit for adult-oriented movies,>

< start="476.724" dur="2.632">the 90's gave us Rudy and White Men Can't Jump,>

< start="479.356" dur="1.764">both perfect movies.>

< start="481.12" dur="1.275">We were spoiled for choice,>

< start="482.395" dur="1.935">we had amazing, iconic, coming-of-age,>

< start="484.33" dur="2.691">underdog sports movies for every single sport.>

< start="487.021" dur="1.048">Did Hollywood just decide after>

< start="488.069" dur="2.736">the perfect movie-sports decade that was the 90's,>

< start="490.805" dur="2.189">that it was time to just close up shop?>

< start="492.994" dur="2.474">The second Mighty Ducks movie had an ice skating cowboy.>

< start="495.468" dur="1.74">My childhood was perfect, why aren't we trying>

< start="497.208" dur="1.501">to replicate that for future children?>

< start="498.709" dur="1.845">End of Brief But Necessary Aside.>

< start="500.554" dur="2.707">Anyway, who got screwed in this movie?>

< start="503.261" dur="1.826">Oh, all the Hawks.>

< start="505.087" dur="2.208">They not might've had the unique, individual quirks>

< start="507.295" dur="1.158">of each and every Duck,>

< start="508.453" dur="2.368">but they were an objectively superior hockey team,>

< start="510.821" dur="1.87">probably because of their discipline and work ethic.>

< start="512.691" dur="1.36">The coach of the Hawks and Coach Bombay>

< start="514.051" dur="2.898">were engaged in some kind of decades-long pissing match,>

< start="516.949" dur="1.943">but the Hawk players weren't engaged in that.>

< start="518.892" dur="2.506">They were hard-working children who really liked hockey>

< start="521.398" dur="1.538">and practiced it all the time.>

< start="522.936" dur="2.424">- Whatever, I just wanna play hockey.>

< start="525.36" dur="1.651">- They built their team around their leader,>

< start="527.011" dur="1.3">and then in the middle of the season,>

< start="528.311" dur="1.791">some drunk-driving lawyer was like,>

< start="530.102" dur="1.167">"I'm gonna take your star player>

< start="531.269" dur="2.098">"by exploiting a districting loophole.>

< start="533.367" dur="1.713">"That won't disrupt anything, right?">

< start="535.08" dur="2.448">It hurts any team to lose anyone in the middle of a season,>

< start="537.528" dur="1.438">let alone a star player.>

< start="538.966" dur="1.253">They were pacing to win>

< start="540.219" dur="2.472">and then this blood-money-funded squad of misfits,>

< start="542.691" dur="2.97">out of nowhere, out of (bleeps) nowhere,>

< start="545.661" dur="2.179">shows up and snatches their best guy.>

< start="547.84" dur="1.811">The Golden State Warriors got KD from Oklahoma>

< start="549.651" dur="2.01">in the off-season, they didn't take LeBron>

< start="551.661" dur="1.497">from the Cavs before the finals>

< start="553.158" dur="1.848">because one of Bron's houses happened>

< start="555.006" dur="1.663">to be located in an Oakland district.>

< start="556.669" dur="1.272">Those kids did nothing wrong>

< start="557.941" dur="1.477">and they had to watch their former captain>

< start="559.418" dur="1.529">own the (bleeps) out of them because it was>

< start="560.947" dur="1.944">the only way the soulless lawyer-coach>

< start="562.891" dur="1.77">of the Ducks could actually win.>

< start="564.661" dur="2.099">You know, this movie starts with Bombay's lawyer-buddies,>

< start="566.76" dur="1.721">criticizing him for being too ruthless>

< start="568.481" dur="0.918">in the courtroom.>

< start="569.399" dur="2.018">- Next time, a little restraint might be in order.>

< start="571.417" dur="1.125">- And by the end of the movie,>

< start="572.542" dur="2.634">he's recruiting child players from opposing teams>

< start="575.176" dur="1.297">in the pursuit of winning.>

< start="576.473" dur="1.927">Starting to think Coach Bombay didn't learn anything at all.>

< start="578.4" dur="2.168">(beatboxing)>

< start="580.568" dur="2.011">Stuart Little is an adorable movie about a family>

< start="582.579" dur="1.446">that decides to break social norms>

< start="584.025" dur="2.107">and adopt a talking mouse as their new child.>

< start="586.132" dur="1.927">At first, their human son, George, is like,>

< start="588.059" dur="1.036">"That mouse isn't my brother.">

< start="589.095" dur="1.905">And their cat-like cat, Snowbell,>

< start="591" dur="1.339">is like, "I wanna (bleeps) up that mouse.">

< start="592.339" dur="1.192">But, by the end of the movie,>

< start="593.531" dur="1.627">George comes to accept Stuart as his brother>

< start="595.158" dur="0.917">and the cat>

< start="596.966" dur="0.833">dies?>

< start="597.799" dur="1.9">No, that can't be right.>

< start="599.699" dur="2.106">Cat wouldn't die, a cat doesn't die, save the cat.>

< start="601.805" dur="0.912">The cat doesn't die.>

< start="602.717" dur="2.134">The cat decides the also go against>

< start="604.851" dur="2.539">biologically-necessary norms and accepts the mouse>

< start="607.39" dur="1.435">as an equal in the food chain.>

< start="608.825" dur="2.781">It's a great film about love and acceptance and family.>

< start="611.606" dur="2.702">One small problem, the Little family didn't sign out>

< start="614.308" dur="2.163">to adopt a mouse, they wanted a new child,>

< start="616.471" dur="1.24">George wanted a little brother,>

< start="617.711" dur="2.28">so they went to an orphanage where a bunch of orphans are.>

< start="619.991" dur="1.952">And they were so charmed by the talking mouse>

< start="621.943" dur="1.286">that they just had to have it.>

< start="623.229" dur="2.216">Even the woman who ran the orphanage was like,>

< start="625.445" dur="2.423">"We normally discourage people from adopting outside>

< start="627.868" dur="1.65">"of their own species.">

< start="629.518" dur="1.753">- We try to discourage couples>

< start="631.271" dur="3.333">from adopting children outside their own>

< start="636.494" dur="2.328">species. - Which is the diplomatic way>

< start="638.822" dur="2.649">of saying, "Yo, rethink this, it's a mouse.>

< start="641.471" dur="1.752">"The average lifespan of a mouse is two years.>

< start="643.223" dur="2.506">"The oldest mouse in history is, like, four years old.>

< start="645.729" dur="1.612">"And also, they (bleeps) all the time>

< start="647.341" dur="1.381">"and they don't technically have any rights,>

< start="648.722" dur="1.73">"and finally, if you're really gonna do this,>

< start="650.452" dur="2.32">"if you're so horned up to get a mouse today,>

< start="652.772" dur="0.833">"please don't do it in front>

< start="653.605" dur="2.437">"of actual, human, orphan children.>

< start="656.042" dur="2.37">"These kids live everyday, hoping they get adopted.>

< start="658.412" dur="1.541">"How are they gonna feel when you show up>

< start="659.953" dur="1.83">"and you're like, 'That mouse with shoes is pretty cool,>

< start="661.783" dur="1.001">"'I'll take his ass.'>

< start="662.784" dur="2.077">"That's insane, you're torturing all of these kids>

< start="664.861" dur="0.874">"for no reason.>

< start="665.735" dur="2.917">"You're making the orphans watch you adopt a mouse?>

< start="668.652" dur="2.149">"That's not even a situation, you dopey (bleeps)">

< start="670.801" dur="1.74">I was so curious about this movie's message>

< start="672.541" dur="1.329">that I tracked down a website>

< start="673.87" dur="1.891">that specifically covers movies that feature adoption>

< start="675.761" dur="1.844">to determine if it's a fair portrayal>

< start="677.605" dur="1.186">or if it sends a bad message,>

< start="678.791" dur="1.636">or could potentially be triggering.>

< start="680.427" dur="1.882">The website is called Adoption at the Movies>

< start="682.309" dur="1.373">and they work as a resource to help families>

< start="683.682" dur="1.529">with adopted children connect their experiences>

< start="685.211" dur="0.984">with wholesome films.>

< start="686.195" dur="1.087">How dope is that?>

< start="687.282" dur="2.587">Anyway, on Stuart Little, they said, quote,>

< start="689.869" dur="1.438">"There's a lot of concerning stuff here.>

< start="691.307" dur="1.065">"His brother rejects him.>

< start="692.372" dur="2.401">"The family pet tries to get him killed by mobsters.>

< start="694.773" dur="2.362">"Stuart is kidnapped by people posing as his birthparents.>

< start="697.135" dur="1.783">"We learn that Stuart's actual birthparents>

< start="698.918" dur="1.622">"were killed when they were crushed by cans>

< start="700.54" dur="1.16">"in a grocery accident.>

< start="701.7" dur="1.912">"Stuart's adoption agency places him>

< start="703.612" dur="1.36">"without even visiting the home,>

< start="704.972" dur="1.408">"and this puts Stuart in danger.>

< start="706.38" dur="1.752">"Although this could be a lighthearted film>

< start="708.132" dur="2.016">"for some viewers, it's probably a safe one>

< start="710.148" dur="1.55">"to skip for most adoptive families.">

< start="711.698" dur="3.149">End the (bleeps) quote, and that doesn't even touch>

< start="714.847" dur="1.8">on the orphans who had to watch and be like,>

< start="716.647" dur="1.969">"Are you sure that anthropomorphic mouse>

< start="718.616" dur="0.922">"with an adult man's voice would>

< start="719.538" dur="3.101">"be a better young child than me, a young child?>

< start="722.639" dur="1.067">"Are you sure you wanna reject me>

< start="723.706" dur="1.441">"in this dramatic of a fashion?">

< start="725.147" dur="4.167">I guess it's nice that the Little family is happy,>

< start="729.468" dur="2.119">but damn, I do not care.>

< start="731.587" dur="3.004">They gave a massive bed and a bedroom to a mouse.>

< start="734.591" dur="1.192">Well, that's it for this month.>

< start="735.783" dur="2.157">Tune in next month when we'll cover,>

< start="737.94" dur="2.708">why hasn't the cool sponsor gotten behind this show,>

< start="740.648" dur="2.336">that does consistently good traffic and costs zero dollars>

< start="742.984" dur="2.095">to produce because we film in our office,>

< start="745.079" dur="2.049">and our in-house editor, Nick Rude,>

< start="747.128" dur="2.173">edits every episode ever since our former editor,>

< start="749.301" dur="1.746">Noel Wells, stopped doing it?>

< start="751.047" dur="1.2">And wait, what's that?>

< start="752.247" dur="1.836">Saturday Night Live alum and writer-director star>

< start="754.083" dur="2.036">of major-motion-picture, Mr. Roosevelt, Noel Wells,>

< start="756.119" dur="1.027">used to edit this show?>

< start="757.146" dur="2.456">Yes, that's right, she edited the first few episodes>

< start="759.602" dur="1.79">and anyway, isn't it weird that I can't get Chili's>

< start="761.392" dur="1.857">to send us a few grand to sponsor this show?>

< start="763.249" dur="1.343">Like, that's (bleeps) insane,>

< start="764.592" dur="2.372">I love Chili's and this show costs no money,>

< start="766.964" dur="2.222">and its alumni have gone onto SNL,>

< start="769.186" dur="1.558">and I talk about Chili's all the time.>

< start="770.744" dur="2.509">Just give us, like, 100 grand and I'll talk about you>

< start="773.253" dur="2.075">for a year on a popular internet show.>

< start="775.328" dur="1.866">I'll eat your (bleeps) southwestern egg rolls>

< start="777.194" dur="2.09">at the start and close of every episode.>

< start="779.284" dur="2.195">The economics of internet writing is insane right now>

< start="781.479" dur="1.926">and 100 grand is nothing to you.>

< start="783.405" dur="1.333">Please, Chili's.>

< start="785.845" dur="3.861">Whoa, does not feel like there's enough material there>

< start="789.706" dur="2.259">for a full episode, but yeah,>

< start="791.965" dur="1.301">definitely, Chili's, get at me.>

< start="793.266" dur="4.167">Give us 100 grand, you'll help keep the site going.>

< start="798.888" dur="0.833">Bye.>